Romantic Perfectionism: The Antagonist of True Love
Nobody prepares you for the untimely transition of living single in your early twenties with your friends to wedding invitations and pregnancy announcements posted on social media. One by one, your friends receive their token of being chosen, and you realize they left the party for a more exclusive party, one with a secret password, and the only time you get invited is during wedding season.
Despite the thread of spring engagement shoots and outdoor-cake-cutting-gender-reveals you see on social media, statistics dispute our belief that: “everyone is in a relationship,” yet it still amplifies our singleness.
“60 per cent of Canadians (age 18-34) admit to experiencing isolation”
According to Business Wire, a 2023 survey identified 60 per cent of Canadians (age 18-34) admit to experiencing isolation derived from the unwelcome feeling that nearly everyone else is in a relationship but them. This raises a question: why are so many Millennials and Generation Z single?
Discourse on TikTok suggests various reasons for the dominance of singlehood amongst Millennials and Gen Z. Some professional observations and opinions, others merely a lived experience guiding their theories, such as online dating burnout, seeking someone to fill a void, the rise of situationships, people choosing to stay home instead of going out, going “boysober” (a gender inclusive term), or the economy. Fact is: the reasons for the singlehood epidemic are layered and complex like people, but TikTok creator and relationship coach Cybele Safadi suggests that these two generations suffer from romantic perfectionism.
Safadi describes romantic perfectionism as the fairytale romance or the ”spark” reassuring us this person is the one. In some ways, many of us are embodying this type of perfectionism. Outlining examples of what of romantic perfectionism looks like, Safadi reads me a list:
1. “You set high expectations onto others that feel attainable”
Our familiarity with the “will they, won’t they” dynamic in film and television has indulged the desires of viewers and the realm of possibility for what was attainable for decades. Watching the lead couple rekindle their love in the last 10 minutes of the movie, as one of them holds a boombox outside of the other's window or the improvised speech, as the lead love interest stumbles through their big feelings in hopes of winning the heart of their lover. These scenes seared an impression that theatrical love is real with the one. As a result, some people naturally project this script onto someone of interest without being conscious of it.
2. “A hyper-focus on what looks good, rather than what feels good”
The value of physical attraction for romantic perfectionists means they are willing to make sacrifices rather than compromise for the sake of appearances, says Safadi. Sex and The City thoughtfully illustrates this dynamic between Big and Carrie. Season one, episode eleven–The Drought, Carrie and Big are in bed when Carrie passes gas. Mortified at the involuntary slip, Carrie spends the entirety of the episode seeking comfort and validation from her girlfriends and Big before having a meltdown and listing the ways Big is perfect, and she is not. Throughout the series, there is a palpable sense of discomfort between the two love interests, leaving the viewers anxious as they anticipate Carrie and Big’s outcome.
3. The “very thin line between feeling anxious and secure”
People are drawn to the allure of predictability, and falling in love is a part of that playbook, just with a little less risk and more security, at least for anxiously attached individuals. Safadi calls attention to the thin line between being sure and unsure of your partner. “They can say something or do something, and the story maybe changes,” she tells me. As a result, anxiously attached people begin to question the entire relationship.
4. Limerence
That can’t eat, can’t sleep type of love is limerence. Safadi describes limerence as a form of escapism that involuntarily focuses on someone else. Feelings develop beyond a crush and beyond a deep respect for them. “It feels like it’s controlling you–the image of them, the thought of them.” The intrusive thoughts coupled with melancholy manifest physically; limerence is “physically painful,” said Safadi.
These aspects of romantic perfectionism are linked to attachment styles in close relationships. Psychologists measure attachment styles through two facets: anxious and avoidant. The combination of the two create four attachment styles: secure, preoccupied, fearful, and dismissing. Ideally, the lower each facet, the better (i.e. secure attachment). However, the remaining three attachment styles have either high anxiety and low avoidance, or low anxiety and high avoidance, or both high anxiety and high avoidance.
People with a secure attachment style are trusting, regulate their nervous system, effectively set boundaries, and navigate conflict without criticism. Whereas a person who has preoccupied attachment (high anxiety, low avoidance) requires a higher level of reassurance. They exhibit clingy behaviour, fear abandonment or rejection, and tend to overanalyze their relationship. This attachment style is birthed in childhood, often influencing the person to believe love and attention are conditional. A dismissively attached person (high avoidance, low anxiety) displays a strong interest in the beginning, then swiftly retreats from a more profound commitment because vulnerability incites discomfort, and they fear losing their independence. Finally, fearfully attached individuals (high avoidance, high anxiety) desire closeness yet fear abandonment. This category of attachment style houses hyper-vigilant people who have the deepest core wounds.
“single people are as likely to enter a stable relationship as securely attached people.”
This evidence of attachment styles is usually associated with high neuroticism. But do not fear; this does not have to be your ongoing reality. Despite the general stability of attachment styles over time, your attachment style can vary depending on the relationship. Author and expert on singles, Bella M. DePaulo, and relationship coach Cybele Safadi note that single people are as likely to enter a stable relationship as securely attached people.
In the end, understanding your attachment style and thoughtfully considering how you contribute to your romantic dynamic can lead to a successful and stable relationship. Reduce the shame that comes with the ugly parts, embrace self-compassion, and save the romantic ideals of the script for professional actors.
Connect with Cybele Safadi on TikTok (@cybele.pov).